chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
