In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
