I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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