It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
