Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
