tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
