ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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