Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
