the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
