Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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