i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
