I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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