happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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