Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have feelings that need drinking.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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