You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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