Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
