I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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