dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
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By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.