I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
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I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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