I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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