Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
