Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
