I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
