There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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