seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
