happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
