I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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