I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
