I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
