My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
