She's JV to your varsity
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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