dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
