if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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