Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
