you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
