Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
