just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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