I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
