I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
