I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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