First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
