Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
