the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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