look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
