when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
