Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
