They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
