you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
