From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
