It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
