If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
