Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
