Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
