i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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