yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
